Sticky Emotions
I’ve been deep in planning (for a few months) which as most of us know is code for de-cluttering, reorganizing, getting clear and making changes.
What I always forget is that sometimes deep planning necessitates grieving and letting go. Those sticky emotions take time. In my opinion more time than I wish them to take. I’m an action-taker and that’s my comfort zone.
Recently I said good-bye to a dear friend who has left 3 children and a husband after a brief terminal illness. She was a high school friend and the one I would run to when I ran away from home after a teenage fight with my mom. Her illness and passing re-surfaced much emotional residue from that time in my life.
On the “heals” of her death was the realization of how much I am still grieving the closing of my music and movement school
(2 years ago this month)
and recognizing how much I miss the community I had created over 2 decades with the children and moms I used to see weekly.
Truly feeling how different my life is. Much less busy-ness. More quiet time. A little more lonely time. Less dancing, singing and full-on play.
It’s just stuff, right?
I had an enormous collection of instruments that were designed and specially created for young children. I’ve been selling the instruments and movement props over these few months and every time I watch someone walk away with “their” loot…I go in to shock and it takes me a week or two to un-numb myself.
These photos show a fraction of what was there. There was another whole storage area I don’t have pics for.
There was a vibrant green entrance, a waiting area, reading nook, kitchen and administrative office too (not shown).
While I didn’t close Musicalia simply because I was exhausted (‘cause I was REALLY exhausted) my energy level was a factor in the decision. I was ready to stop hauling equipment, managing hundreds of people, administration, support staff and working 18 hour days. I was ready for a life with less of a load.
It’s been 2 years since the closing and I am finally beginning to notice a positive shift in my energy levels. I can stay up later. I can read and study and take in new information. I’m not drained and exhausted all the time.
Forgiveness
I’ve had forgiveness work to do around the drama with the landlords of the building I was renting during that time.
They raised the rent by over 30% in one year after I had invested tens of thousands of dollars renovating a slum-landlord-type space.
They decided now that it was so lovely (and had a heat pump, new floors, lighting, new walls, new bathroom, security system and thermal security window treatments and EVERYTHING was to fire codes) it was worth more so they wanted more. I rented + renovated the space thinking I’d be there for at least 15 years.
Pursue legal means? It would have defeated the purpose of being able to afford the space and keep doing the work. In the end, I decided to look at the good that could come out of closing the chapter on two decades of my life.
Dreams
I had dreamed of having more time for my husband and friends. I thought about what I could do with this new chapter coming. I could start painting again or I could create a new business…maybe an online business. I could work less, carry a lighter teaching load in some other way and maybe have a day or two off every week.
Then, I watched my entire life’s work be sold off…
Then, I watched my entire life’s work be sold off, stored and otherwise gifted to organizations in my town. It felt as though my own child had died. I still haven’t been able to part with all the puppets. I have hundreds and hundreds of stunningly beautiful puppets. I know they’ll have to be sold too. Sad.
I still teach but only part-time and not groups only private lessons and not in my own studio but in children’s homes. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I’m not letting go so easily? I do need a reliable income as after I’d closed the school, my husband informed me our finances were not what I had been led to believe. More grief.
All this grief takes time to sort through. Sometimes I think I’m okay. It’s been 2 years, right? Should be getting over it by now… and then I meet a parent of one of my students on the beach while I walk the dog and I end up in a puddle of tears while they tell me how much they appreciated what I had built in the community.
In fact, the tears have been streaming the entire time I’ve been writing this post. I walk away from the writing and then come back to write the next day and it starts again.
Too much grief
I know this is where my writer’s block was stemming from. Too much grief.
It is so much easier to step into a new life, to keep stepping out, keep working, continue building my coaching practice and doing real world things with real people. Take action in the direction away from pain.
Too close to sadness
Writing brings me too close to my sadness. It requires a kind of engaged stillness that releases pain and I don’t really want this blog to be entirely about pain. I would like to write about something other than pain and yet this is where I seem to need to be right now.
I enrolled in a grief course last fall. In Second Firsts I learned that actually stepping into a new life IS the way out of grief. I don’t think it’s really worked for me the way I had hoped though. The sadness is obviously still there inhibiting me and moving away from it seems to magnify it somehow.
How to embody sadness
Lately, I’ve decided to embody the sadness. Let it really rise up. Let in inhabit my whole being and BREATHE it in.
This morning I woke up in the clutches of ‘something’ so I just lay there and I breathed and watched as the numbness and grief and immobilization of my body gradually rolled away until I felt lighter and clearer.
Then I was up out of bed to finish writing this post. Something I haven’t been able to do for months. So thanks for reading:)
And if you’re interested in a little more….
In the spirit of stepping forward…… forgiveness is my speciality
I’m almost ready to launch Forgiveness House. It’s a 5-week Online Retreat for women. It’s one of the areas of life I REALLY know well. I started having dreams (literal nighttime dreams) about it in March of of 2013 and knew right away I was supposed to create this. I’ve been following spiritual breadcrumbs ever since.
I know I’ll be able to help women who want to create more vibrant lives and I’ve been supporting women in this work for almost 30 years.
This new program is an extension of what I’ve been doing naturally most of my life.
Hop on the mailing list…I’ll send you info as soon as Forgiveness House is ready.
Do you know someone who may be interested? Please pass this info on. I’ll be keeping the price point very low (around $250 and will include a 1:1 session with me) for this first round.
Thank you for sharing your story and for creating Forgiveness House. What a beautiful way to help women transform their hearts and their lives!
Thanks, Susie:) I’m sure hoping that’s what FH will do!
Susan. I hear you. Grief has it’s own time. I remember when my mother died. I had cared for her quite intensively for 3 years… the family crumbled.. the estate settling was awful.. we split apart. Fighting for no reason. So I eventually just left. Sadly. With pain. With advise from everyone I took the leap when I was ready and just said good-bye to my nieces and nephew, brother and sister in-law. That was the end of family for me. Those children were the closest I had to my own. I knew they would feel it. I knew I did. But there was no other way. Lawyers, Doctors, financial advisors, friends and even family said… “Get out of there” .. So when it was time… I did. The grief was intense. Starting a new life is a way to get over the grief? well, for me, that was partly true… it was where the Wild Woman Mystery Cards were born, however, it was the ‘through’ part, the feeling it, the total encompassing my life that was necessary for me to heal the sadness, to accept the loss, and to rise up again out of the ashes. I hear you Susan. I honour your journey. And what you had there with your music school …. something truly to honour and grieve. Many blessings to you. That course you are doing… will help so many people… xo
Many blessings to you, Elizabeth and thank you for sharing how those Wild Woman Mystery Cards were born. They are the kind of thing that seems as though they would have to be born out of a fire-a death-a parting-an ending-an intense grief. xo
Elizabeth,
I so relate to what you said about grief having its own time and for you, your healing came in the “through” part. I’m finding that to be so true in my own life over the last year. Leaning into the pain, allowing myself to feel it wholly, acknowledge the deep losses, and let go. And I’m finding it’s in the letting go that a whole new world is opening up to me. One I couldn’t have even imagined 2 years ago. There can be a beauty in taking the time to work through grief.
Susan, big hugs to you. We really must talk sometime in person. My former career is nearly identical to yours. I abandoned that path in 2008 when the economy tanked, yet I STILL identify myself as a “teacher.” When people ask me what I do, I STILL say, “I taught music and drama for 16 years, but now…” It’s so strange. Yes, we must talk, my kindred spirit friend. xo
Dear Michelle, I’d love to talk! We’ll do the skype thing! xo
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. You help so many by sharing your journey. It’s because of that, I see, you created Forgiveness House. What a wonderful retreat to bring women together and get the support they need. xo
Thank you, Tania. Yes, Forgiveness House is definitely a product of my own journey…of the last 25 years! I sooo hope that it will be a place of healing for women. xo
Thank you for bravely sharing your deepest thoughts and innermost pain. It is apparent that you put your heart and soul into your music business. I’ve played flute in a community band for over 20 years and recently resigned because of work commitments. It was a happy, joyful experience and I miss it so much. You are the conductor of your own life and the melody that lives inside will guide you. Listen to your inner music. Best wishes with your Forgiveness House!
Thank you, Lori. I love those words…the melody that lives inside will guide you. Thanks:)
susan, i just want to hug you. you created a beautiful warm open space that i am certain touched the hearts and minds of many children (and their parents). i am also certain it was extremely difficult to say goodbye to. but that beautiful warm open space came from inside of you. you created all of it – the warmth and the beauty and the openness. now you will share it again via forgiveness house. and the retreat participants will benefit from your love just as the children did.
I can absolutely relate to your story, Susan. I, too, left a thirty-year teaching career. I still grieve the loss of so much of that career and all that I derived from it: daily hugs from my frolicking first graders, deep respect from a community who treasured my work, a collection of children’s literature that filled a UHaul when I departed, an identity that gave heart and meaning to my life. For me, grief is not a linear process. It’s not something you get over even when you supposedly move on. It visits me from time to time bringing me closer to the depth of my emotions and reminding me that I feel deeply. It informs my writing. It helps me appreciate facets of my life that I may have taken for granted. Mostly, it reminds me I’m alive. Thank you for sharing your story here and best of luck with Forgiveness House.
Sue Ann, you have such a beautiful way with words. I love what you said about grief not being a linear process and how it still visits you from time to time and how it reminds you that you’re still alive. Beautifully said.
Susan, thank you for sharing your journey with us. I so get what you said about letting yourself embody the sadness, letting it in, and breathing it. I’m finding in my own life by allowing myself to truly feel that grief and the loss I’m able to finally let go, bit by bit, and move into a new life I couldn’t have foreseen a year ago. I think it’s so wonderful that you’re dealing with your loss your way and taking your time to work your way through it. I also think it’s wonderful that you’re sharing with others the gift of forgiveness in your new online course coming up.
Susan it’s such a sensitive topic! We hear that clutter is drowning us, yet it so hard to part with things that are such a big part of our lives. I had an awakening after hurricane Sandy here in NJ, just seeing the mountains of peoples possessions that waited for weeks to be collected as garbage because there was just so much really impacted me. It’s inspired me to find good homes for things that are valuable, and to recycle or just dump the rest. It’s hard to do, but lightens me just a big more every time.
I can’t wait to hear more about Forgiveness House!